I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
