drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
