Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
