The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
