I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize
