If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
