pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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