I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Randomize
