i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
