She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You pole danced in your parka.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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