i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
