You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
