Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
