I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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