I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
