his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
The Olympian is in my bed
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
