there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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