My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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