Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
