I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
