I puked a lego.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
