I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
