i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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