I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
