how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
