I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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