he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
