please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
