i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
