Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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