Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
