Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
