I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
