Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
