Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
We need a shit load of segways right now
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
