Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
