It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
she smelled like a LAN party
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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