my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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