It's Friday. Sex?
People in love make me want to vomit
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
