dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
