Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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