Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
