I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
