imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
