Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
