I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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