Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
So much rum. So many feels.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
