remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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