You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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