I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
