my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
